What are you really arguing about? عن ماذا تتناقش ؟

[ESAL SPIRIT]

If you and your partner seem to spend most of your time arguing, perhaps you should take a closer look at the cause of conflict. Relationship psychotherapist investigates the main reasons for recurring rows.

Common conflicts

The most common things couples argue about are money, sex, work, children and housework - roughly in that order.
Most rows start because of differences of opinion, but with patience and basic communication skills you should be able to negotiate a compromise.

If there's violence

Violence or threats of violence are never acceptable in a relationship. If arguments are always aggressive, or you avoid conflict because you're scared things may get out of control, you need support. You can contact the helpline on 0808 200 0247 or the on 0808 801
If you find the same old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's resolved another crops up, then there's more going on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.

Unresolved issues

Sometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners press without realising.
For example, a partner who's parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip. Or a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow the lawn.

Sensitive subjects

If there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm, you need to mention them more often. If you don't, they can become time bombs.
Taboo subjects can include things such as a forgotten birthday or a time when you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents a serious breach of trust such as an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you have to make sure they're dead first.

Fighting for your deeper needs

Couples often use topics such as money, sex or housework to fight for their deeper needs within a relationship.
For example, an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies and who's got the power in this situation. Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth. And arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for and deeper needs for connection and affection.

Hidden pay-offs

For some couples arguing actually plays a beneficial role, as it may be the only time they get to share their feelings. It can also add excitement to a relationship or be a way of getting attention.
Arguing can be worth the pain because of the joy of making up. And when you make up you get to reaffirm your love for each other.
Just remember: beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until you do.

Further help

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor. To find out more, go to
Stop Arguing, Start Talking: The 10 Point Plan for Couples in Conflict by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion)